The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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