Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
