i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
