for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
