No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
