So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
