GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
