can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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