it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
