this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
