sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
