you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
