I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
