i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
