I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
