I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
