When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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