i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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