Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
