her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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