And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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