Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
