i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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