Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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