And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
