you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize