You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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