did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
