Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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