She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
