look no pants
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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