hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
