I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
