Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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