i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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