Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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