my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
