I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
