Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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