What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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