Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
