Will you blow on my dice?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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