420 ftw
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
