just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
There's always time for handjobs
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
