I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
