I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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