You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
