I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
