your thong is hanging out like whoa
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
