Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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